Ralph Smart is a famous YouTube vlogger, psychologist, and author of Feel Alive. The book “explores the infinite potential in human beings, and discovers how we can awaken our infinite power. We talk on relationships, mind control, organic food and becoming the greatest version of yourself.” Today, I’ve transcribed a clip in which Ralph talks about one of the biggest impediments to being the best version of oneself–pornography.
In the clip, Ralph explains why he stopped watching pornography at age 15. He began to see pornography as a false reality that was negatively impacting his real-life relationships. Pornography, he explains, is impersonal; it is loveless; it is devoid of intimacy; and it is all about power and control. As a psychologist, he regularly meets people entangled in pornography both on the consuming and producing end. And he observes that almost no one is proud of it: If you love porn, love it 100%, but don’t just do it when you’re ashamed of what you’re doing because deep down in your heart you know it’s wrong.
Whatever we do now echoes on into eternity. And more so, whatever we see into our eyes, goes directly into our subconscious mind.Ralph Smart
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Infinite Waters diving deep once again. Why am I so closed to the camera? Pulll back. We’re here in nature. Breathing in that good prana. Can I get a hellooo there?
Why I stopped watching porn–confession time. I’m spilling the beans. 13 years old, raging full of hormones. It’s new, it’s exciting. Tapes and magazines are being passed around. And one of them just happens to land in my hands. And, at this age, I’m so impressionable. I am mesmerized by all of these exotic women. Fantasies in my mind. And what happened is that I was seeing women in a different way. I thought they were like this in real life. Oh how I was wrong. And what happened is after a few years, I just stopped totally, but I learned so much.
The biggest reason why I stopped is that in a lot of pornography, we are not seeing the bigger picture. First of all, to each his own. If you love pornography, wonderful. I’m happy for you [laughing]. I’m just sharing my own journey. We have male domination. Where it’s always about putting women under subjugation. Also, you have a whole genre of the dominatrix, where you have female domination. So there’s always a power-control going on. And whenever I used to watch porn, I would always feel like this was not being done in a loving way.
When I was in my teens–about 15–I got introduced to my mentor Omraam Mikhaël Aïvanhov–a Bulgarian master teacher. And he had a book called Love and Sexuality, and this is one of the biggest reasons I stopped at the age of 15 because he spoke of women in the most amazing way. You have to read some of his books–mind-blowing. But when I was just watching porn at 13, I thought, “OK, women are supposed to be treated this way.” It couldn’t have been further from the truth. We had jokes in our school like beating the meat, choking the chicken, the three-s’s–spit, swallow, suck. But a lot of us won’t admit we have ever done something like this, but it goes on.
As a psychologist, I speak to people every day with porn addiction. Even women who are in the industry. And what do they tell me? They tell me, #2, is that it’s not real. It is fantasy. Because that’s why you have a lot of women always looking into the camera. Are they really enjoying it? Or are they paid actors? But, when you are 13, you don’t know the whole history that many of these women–some of them may have parental abandonment issues. You don’t see that many times they have to have so many takes. “Cut.” “Cut.” “Cut.” But you’re just seeing the beautiful lighting, the makeup, the nails, or the guy with the big penis. There are false expectations for me. False expectations for women. A lot of women feel that if they don’t look like a porn star, they’re never going to be good enough for their boyfriend. A lot of guys want their girlfriend to perform like a porn star. That’s every guy’s fantasy–not every guy–when you’re 13, that’s how you’re thinking. “Because you are under my control.”
What’s even worse is that many of these porn stars are under mind control. And yes, some do it out of choice. But a lot of people do it because they want to make money. They want to make a name for themselves. They want to be famous. It’s not really coming from a heart space. More so, you have to ask yourself, are you seeing these people in their authentic state? Because what I discovered is that true love is about intimacy. And you don’t see that in pornos. It’s just penetration. But intimacy is about foreplay. It’s a dance. And that’s why tantra is about the union. When you are watching a porno, it’s just to get off. “Oh, I got mine. Yay. You got yours.” There is no sharing. There is no trust. There is no compassion.
So I am so happy that I made that choice at 15 years old. Many times we are not seeing how it’s impacting on our health. Mantak Chia, fantastic sexologist. Every time you are releasing your DNA, you are losing a part of who you are, but if you are doing it with someone you love, you are giving it to them. That’s how children are born. But when you are just throwing DNA samples left, right, and center, we don’t even know what we’re doing. I had to step into higher consciousness and realize what if that person you are masturbating to was your sister. Someone else’s sister. A close family friend. A relative. Would you still be doing it? But because there is no connection, you see, now you can do it.
Many times it’s become a bit of a circus show. And it starts off soft. You start really soft with the soft-core porn, then you go to bondage, rape, incest, all kinds of crazy stuff. Anal. It goes so far that you’ve got to be careful. So if you are just someone who is just watching porn, remind yourself, are you loving yourself 100%? Because at 13, when I was watching porn, I never loved myself. More so, at that age I was single as well. That’s why when someone catches you, you close your door. And if they do catch you, you feel so embarrassed. You say, “No, I wasn’t watching it.” When you love to do something, you are proud of doing something. You’re like, “Yeah, I was liking it and what?” That’s what you should be doing. If you love porn, love it 100%, but don’t just do it when you’re ashamed of what you’re doing because deep down in your heart you know it’s wrong.
More so, we have to start seeing that many times the whole porn world is a business, built on supply and demand. Therefore, they are giving you a product and that product is not organic. Ask yourself, do these people–do they really want to do that? Would they do it for free? Some of them would, but many of them won’t. So, in just taking responsibility, it has changed my life in the most phenomenal way because many times porn will impact your relationship. You can’t communicate with women. You don’t even know how to interact with a real woman. When I was 16, I got involved with my first serious relationship, and that’s when porn had to stop. That was a long time ago. And I felt such a deep union. That’s what tantra is all about.
But if you are just watching porn, you don’t even want to get into a relationship. Or, you’re in a relationship but now you’re energy is being dissipated. You’re sleeping with your wife or your girlfriend or your boyfriend–because women do watch porn. Yes, they do, trust me. Now, you’re sleeping with them, but your mind is somewhere else. Yes, I say it is wonderful to explore sexual energy. Feel the energy going through you, and how it opens you up. It can release stress. It can even help depression, believe it or not. But a lot of the times, it creates addiction, you see? And it starts off small, it grows larger. It starts off soft, now it grows harder. It changes the very essence of who you are.
So in becoming your greatest version, you have to ask yourself, do I want to do something which is not going to serve me in the long run? Because whatever we do now echoes on into eternity. And more so, whatever we see into our eyes, goes directly into our subconscious mind. There you have it. We’re here in nature. We’re taking a very light-hearted approach. Do what you love. More so, love yourself 100%. Because the birds certainly do. Can you hear them singing?