Friday, March 29, 2024
HomeEditorialsWhat To Do After I Relapsed And Watched Pornography? (Spiritual + Secular...

What To Do After I Relapsed And Watched Pornography? (Spiritual + Secular Approaches)

porn / nofap relapse symbolized by the wrong way sign..
No failure is final, unless we choose to give up.

Relapse, or moral failure, is not a good time.  There’s the pain of conscience reminding us we did something wrong. There’s the pain of having wasted time and energy. There’s the pain of knowing we took an action that was not in our medium or long-term self-interest. There’s the pain of the effect our action might have on the people we love. If we are spiritual, there is the pain of having grieved the heart of God (Ephesians 4:30). I did what I did. The question after the fact is always, what do I do now?

Confession

You are only as strong as you are honest.

Craig Groeschel

I learned early on in my faith that I healed as I revealed.

Kirk Franklin

For a believer, confession is the first step in the process of restoration. In the Lord’s prayer, Jesus said to pray, “And forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who have sinned against us.” 1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” There is also utility in confessing our sins to someone we trust, like an accountability partner. James 5:16 says, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” Indeed, the healing power of confession works in mysterious ways.  

We confess to God for forgiveness, but James says we confess to people for healing.

Craig Groschel

However, the mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual effects of lust don’t always disappear immediately after confession. Besides letting time pass, there are other steps we can take to accelerate healing in our hearts, minds, and relationships.

Quiet Reflection And Meditation

Quiet reflection (aka meditation) consists of stopping and thinking about what happened–and what, specifically, went wrong. In quiet reflection, we become intimately acquainted with the nature and consequences of our mistakes, which makes us less likely to repeat them in the future. We gain insight into our characters, motivations, and weaknesses, which we can take into account in future battles for sexual integrity.

When we do not stop to reflect on our mistakes, chaos and confusion reign. Chaos and confusion, rather than leading us to make better decisions in the future, tend to send us on a downward spiral. For more on this idea, see Sit Down And Think About What You’ve Done.

Penance: voluntary self-punishment inflicted as an outward expression of repentance for having done wrong.

Google

Penance And Restoration

In the ancient world, there were a number of penance rituals that people could perform after making a mistake (e.g. fasting, prayer, pilgrimage, charity, etc.) The Hebrews, for a famous example, had an elaborate sacrifice system consisting of mandatory and voluntary offerings. The purpose of penance, as I understand, is to deepen and accelerate the process of restoration. Penance and its secular counterpart, changing the reward, which I elaborate below, retrain the brain to view the problematic behavior through the lens of its consequences—that is, as painful rather than pleasurable.

Note: I disfavor the word punishment in the context of penance. To my mind, punishment breaks down, whereas discipline builds up. I like to think of penance in terms of restorative action. While forgiveness comes from confession, restorative action can retrain the way our brains perceive the offensive act. Taking restorative action after relapsing, with a heart of self-love, shows that we take the issue seriously and value our own healing. For example, I have found that fasting after falling into temptation is effective at getting me back on track in terms of sexual integrity, as well as praying and meditating with intention.

For you [God] will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

Psalm 51:16-17

Changing The Reward

There is a similar concept in secular psychology that Dr. Trish Leigh refers to as “changing the reward.” The idea of “changing the reward” is to transform the positive association our brain has with the problematic behavior to a negative one. Dr. Leigh says, for example, that “[after watching pornography], we may consider revoking some privilege, like going out to our favorite spot, or donating to a political candidate we don’t like. Something negative [without going overboard], that can get us back on the right track” (healing the brain from pornography). The aim, as iterated above, is that our brains will come to identify the undesirable behavior with negative consequences and will stop motivating us to engage in it in the future.

In sum, the goal of meditation, taking restorative action, and changing the reward after a relapse is to accelerate the process of healing and to prevent oneself from making the same mistake in the future. It’s about going on the offense to deal with the consequences of our mistakes rather than entrusting the process to time or chance.

Whenever I relapse, I also like to tweak my processes. If I slipped up late at night, or was spending too much time on my phone, or wasn’t tending to my mental, physical, or spiritual health, then I take it as an opportunity to make improvements in those areas. This gives me added confidence to move forward, this time with optimized processes and a greater probability for success.

How we respond to failure is the difference between getting caught in a vicious cycle and getting back on the right track. No failure is final, unless we choose to give up.

If you liked this article, check out A Prayer For Purity (Psalm 51). For more, see the complete archive of articles on integrity.

Cornelius
Cornelius
An intellectually curious millennial passionate about seeing people make healthy, informed choices about the moral direction of their lives. When I’m not reading or writing, I enjoy hiking, web-making, learning foreign languages, and watching live sports. Alumnus of Georgetown University (B.S.) and The Ohio State University (M.A.).
RELATED ARTICLES

Leave a Reply

Editor's Picks